I dont think Ive ever spilled anything personal in my journal before but I somewhat feel the need to. Ive been feeling burned out with low motivation for doing artwork and I hate myself for it.
Balance between art for work and personal work has been rocky, and money has been scarce. The amount I work vs. reward has been way off balance.
I feel stuck between either, going back to doing extra company artwork for money, which will leave me no energy for personal works, or I keep going as is. In July, I did a little more extra artwork to add more money to the paycheck but that last week drained the crap out of me. Adding to the work vs. reward, I just havent been happy with quality of my work.
A lot of bullshit creeps into the mind, past regret, fear for the future, not accepting my current circumstance, overwhelming feelings, impatience etc. Im in constant battle with my own thoughts where I almost always lose. I feel like Im losing the joy of it all slowly.
Looking at the things to be grateful for, Im a foreigner who works in Tokyo as a card game illustrator for smartphones, I get to draw all day which is much better than what I was doing before, I have a roof over my head, I have money to at least buy food, I still have my hands. Between Patreon and Gumroad, its helped a bit with the money situation. I really thank all my supporters.
I feel somewhat of an asshole for sharing my 1st world problems. But even so, the thought of having lost my motivation scares the crap out of me. I just want it back.
Looking around for motivation articles, this one in particular struck a cord with me-->Killing the 7 motivational murderers startupbros.com/killing-the-7-…
Im getting murdered by just about all of them. I hope I can put this into practice.
EDIT: I wanted to add that I still want to work towards my goals(the logical brain I guess), but when I sit down to actually start something, the joy is only half there. Discipline and motivation seem to be conflicting along with all the BS going through my head.
I apologize for this, but Im going to have to decline anybody who asked for a rough colour commission before the close. I totally underestimated the time it would take to finish each one and it just doesnt equal the amount of money. Im thinking of giving you guys a free item off my store as an apology. Though slowly, I will continue with anybody who asked for sketch/lined commission.